A Glossary of Murdered Mistresses

Such is the life of house-helps, to be roused on a moist Saturday morning and told by the madam that your services are no longer wanted.

Want – the suggestion that an object, within or without reach, is desired strongly. (Object may be product or service).

Services – may include laundry, cooking, sweeping, taking the girls to bed, dusting the windows, scraping the tiles, leaving the door unlocked because the father must visit at 11.15pm, watching the ceiling fan jog idly as the father, in relentless pursuit of a son, invades your tired body.

Body – the impressive wad of flesh that blankets the intricate wires of a person (Often powerless, however, to conceal a five-month pregnancy).

Pregnancy – the subletting of your body by a family member you haven’t met.

Met – (often associated with needs). Meeting your needs will require a tidy sum of money from the father, who will want you to keep the son he has been pursuing.

Keep – to consciously knight against the loss of something.

Such is the life of house-helps; if they’re lucky, they wind up as mistresses. Mistresses get their own kitchens, their own allowances, and the father’s son. Unless they’re asleep.

If you’re going to wake a person up, the general idea is that they’re believed to have been asleep.

Sleep – the dress rehearsal of dying we’re mandated to undertake daily. If you’re a house-help asleep, whom the madam believes to be equally yoked in the objective of possessing the father, you may not be present to perform this dress rehearsal tomorrow.


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